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Rednecks n' Roses by Judy Mays EXCERPT: Amber stumbled back, tripped against the toilet – which had the seat up – and fell in. Water splashed as her legs flailed. She grabbed the toilet paper dispenser and pulled herself out. More water slopped onto the floor and soaked into the seat of her jeans. Her gaze never left the body in the tub. "Oh my God! Oh my God! He’s dead. There’s a dead man in my bathtub. What do I do? What do I do? Think, Amber, think. 911. I have to call 911. Purse. I need my purse. Downstairs. My cell is in my purse." Sneakers squishing, she sprinted out of the bathroom and down the stairs and skidded to a stop before the belongings she had piled at the bottom of the staircase. Clammy jeans sticking to her thighs and ass, she tossed boxes and bags willy-nilly. "It’s here somewhere. I know it is. I set it right next to the steps. Come on. Come on. Come on. I need my damn phone!" As the last box bounced off the wall, Amber grabbed her purse and upended it. Everything inside clattered to the floor and bounced or skidded in all directions off the hardwood. Her phone slid towards the kitchen. She dove after it, banging her elbow against the floor, leaving a thin streak of water behind her. When she grabbed the phone, it slipped out of her hand. She caught it in her left hand and punched in 911 with her right. Struggling to her knees, she held the phone to her ear. Nothing. "No! The battery can’t be dead. I just charged it." She glared at the screen. No signal." "Fuck! What am I supposed to do now. There’s a dead man in my bathtub." He woke the same way he awakened for the last month and a half. One minute he was dead to the world, the next he was wide awake. This time, something was different. A heavy weight had settled on his chest. Slowly, he opened his eyes. A large, hairy, black blob with pair of yellow eyes stared back at him – crossed eyes. Below the eyes, a pair of pointy, ivory teeth stuck up at a slight angle – like a vee. "Jesus H. Christ!" As he leaped to his feet, the hairy blob flew through the air and landed in a puddle of water in front of the toilet. "Meeeeerrroooooooowwwlllllll!" it yowled as it scrabbled through the puddle and shot towards the door. It bounced off the jamb, shook its head, and scooted out the door. "A cat. A fucking, cross-eyed, black cat! With goofy teeth. What the hell is going on here?" Stepping out of the tub, he strode through the door and headed for the stairs. Amber continued to punch 911 into her cell phone, hold it to her ear, then punch in 911 again. "Work, damn it. You have to work. What the hell am I supposed to do? My God. There’s a dead man in my bathtub. I can’t stay here. I can’t stay with a dead man." Caterwauling, Midnight tumbled down the steps and leaped into her arms – well -- almost. Because of her crossed-eyes, she misjudged her leap again and landed to Amber’s left. Digging her claws into her human’s leg, she scrambled into her lap. The phone bounced across the floor when Amber dropped it to grab her thigh. "Eyow! Midnight! Stop that. I have enough problems without you skinning me alive." "Who the hell are you, and what the hell are you doing in my house?" At the sound of the angry male voice, Amber froze. Then she pushed Midnight off her lap, rolled to the fireplace, and grabbed the poker. Grasping it in both hands, she rose to face her assailant. The dead man from the bathtub stood on the bottom step and stared at her. Her mouth dropped open. She snapped it shut and raised the poker. "You’re dead." He crossed his arms over his bushy beard and stepped down. "Do I look dead?" Amber’s knuckles whitened as she clasped the poker more tightly. "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house?" Green fire flashed in his emerald eyes as he stroked his beard. "I live here." "No you don’t. This house belongs to my Aunt Ernestine. Er, it did before she died. Now it belongs to me." He frowned. "You mean old lady Myers finally kicked the bucket?" Amber swallowed. "Last month. This property was left to me. I’m her niece." He raked his long hair behind his ears. "Well fuck." Amber nodded. He was listening to her. That was good. Right? "I told you the house is mine." He glared first at her then down at her belongings. "You can’t move in here. I live here." Beside her, Midnight hissed, arched her back, and fluffed out her already fluffy fur. "Not any more. Now get lost before I call the cops." He crossed his arms over his chest and grinned. "Phone’s not hooked up." Reaching out with her foot, she pulled her cell phone towards her. "I have one of my own." His grin widened. "No signal here." Amber swallowed then gritted her teeth. If he was going to attack her, he’d have done it by now? Right? Her gaze drifted to his mouth. Damn but he had beautiful white teeth and a nice smile. His eyes were nice too – an absolutely gorgeous green. But all that hair all over his face -- yuk! Her subconscious slapped her attention away from his face. Holy shit, Amber. What are you thinking? There’s a man, a big man in your house. For all you know he’s an ax murderer or rapist or serial killer or something. You have to get him out of here. "Listen. You leave now and there won’t be any trouble. The sheriff was just here, you know. He knows I’m living here." He cocked his head to the side. "Brad was here?" Amber blinked. He calls the sheriff by his first name? What is he, a relative or something? "Who are you anyway?" He scratched under his beard. "Rusty Nipple." Amber stared. Did he just say what she thought he said. "I beg your pardon?" "Rusty Nipple." She gulped then choked. The poker began to waver as her shoulders began to shake. She coughed and choked again. "Nipple? Rusty Nipple?" Another gulp and choke. "Your name is Rusty Nipple? What kind of name is that?" A gurgling snort and a hiccup. "It sounds like a really bad mixed drink. Oh my God. I’m dreaming, aren’t I? I was in an accident, wasn’t I? I’m lying in a hospital in a coma. Rusty Nipple! What real person would admit to the name Rusty Nipple. This isn’t real. I’m in the Twilight Zone." The poker clattered to the floor. Amber followed, laughing until the tears ran down her cheeks. Rusty stared at the tall, blonde who lay on the floor with her back to him, arms wrapped around her sides, laughing hysterically. Soaked jeans were plastered to her thighs, hips, and butt. He focused on her ass. It was a nice ass. Did the rest of her look as good? He caught hold of his thoughts. Hell, Nipple, get your mind off of her ass and back on the important stuff – like what the fuck she’s doing here. You need a place to stay and you can’t go back home. And there aren’t that many unoccupied houses around here. You gotta get rid of her. He looked around at the boxes and suitcases. Lots of them. And her cat glared at him out of those goofy crossed eyes. The tip of its pink tongue was wedged in the vee of its teeth. Fuckin spooky, that cat. Shit but he hated cats. Give him a good old hound dog any day. Rusty looked around the room again. Yep, she looked like she was moving in to stay. He had to get rid of both of the cat and her. Best way would be to let her see what he really was. First though, he had to get her attention. She had to stop laughing. "Hey lady, you gonna lay there laughing all night or what? And what the hell is the matter with my name, anyway?" At the sound of his voice, Amber rolled over. His name might be ridiculous, but he had a nice tenor voice. After sucking in a few deep breaths of air, she pushed herself to her feet. "Listen, Mr. er Nipple." A few giggles escaped. "This is my house, not yours." He crossed his arms over his chest and grinned widely. "How about a compromise? I live here now. You come back in about six months or so." His teeth seemed to get whiter. At her side, Midnight’s hiss became a high-pitched growl. Amber shook her head. "Nope. I was downsized out of my job. I don’t have anywhere else to go. Besides, I need a nice quiet place to write my novel." His grin widened. "A novel? About what?" Amber stared. How could anyone’s teeth get brighter – no longer – and pointier? She leaned closer and stared at his teeth, his very long, very sharp, canine teeth. The ones that were curling down over his bottom lip. What the hell? Then, realization dawned, and she forgot to breathe. Holy shit! The dead man in her bath tub was a vampire. How lucky could a girl get? Available NOW from Ellora's Cave
5 cups
Susan White
Rednecks ‘N’ Roses is about two very different people. Amber is a woman with many preconceived ideas about vampires. She is in for a surprise. Rusty is not suave, he is a backwoods guy who became a vampire quite by accident and is just trying to figure out how to live his life. He thinks he knows women, but he’s never met one quite like Amber. The conversations are laced with humor and their first meeting is priceless. The masturbation scenes are pretty hot but when they get together, WATCH OUT. Be ready with a cold drink in hand. Ann Lee 4 stars Just Erotic Romance Reviews.
Oh my! Judy Mays certainly writes a humorous vampire story in Rednecks 'n' Roses. The hero's name is Rusty Nipple -- doesn't the name just make you chuckle? -- and he drinks animal blood instead of biting people. But Amber is not your ordinary heroine either -- she doesn't run screaming from Rusty -- and her cat, Midnight, is a true delight. Together Rusty and Amber heat up the night in this backwoods town with sizzling foreplay and hot sex. Sinclair Reid Romance Reviews Today
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